Laureen and I seem to have next to zero time for each other lately. I’m busy working. She’s busy with the kids. When I come home, it’s dinner, bath, bed for Jacob, and by then, Laureen’s asleep with Jessie. Weekends, if I’m not working at church, there’s Laureen’s morning yoga class, Jacob’s Little Gym, then there’s the afternoons, which usually are open, except for the entire “nap” part.<\/p>\n
I’m guessing that one of the major tradeoffs for investing quality time in your children is that you wind up with less time for each other, at least for now. I know the kids will grow up–arguably all too soon–, but it doesn’t make me feel any better or healthier.<\/p>\n
And finding time for personal growth, or doing such mundane things like writing this? Well, if I write this, I’m not sleeping. I’m not spending time with Laureen. I’m trying to answer the questions of my happiness, my success, and where I fit in in this big wide world, just like everyone else.<\/p>\n
Do we all wonder the same things, especially about where we fit in? I look back at my relatively short time on this planet, and all the successes seem transparent, while the failures feel all too real. Do we all feel like we don’t fit in to some extent? Like the entire life we’ve chosen is a fraud, the wrong path, the road that shouldn’t have been traveled?<\/p>\n
The most difficult part of this is that for others, especially Laureen, the answer lies in her faith. I wish my faith were stronger and I were less proud. I wish I doubted less and embraced more. I wish….what? That I could eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and pretend that I understand God? That’d be foolish and vain on my part to the extreme.
\nI don’t want to need help. I don’t want to take medication for my anxieties, depression, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and allergies. But I do. I need help, not just with the physical side of things, but also the mental side.<\/p>\n
I struggle with God, with trying to find an image or conception of Him that allows Him lordship over my life. In short, I’m trying to put God in a box, and it’s not working.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Laureen and I seem to have next to zero time for each other lately. I’m busy working. She’s busy with the kids. When I come home, it’s dinner, bath, bed for Jacob, and by then, Laureen’s asleep with Jessie. Weekends, if I’m not working at church, there’s Laureen’s morning yoga class, Jacob’s Little Gym, then … <\/p>\n