It was pretty rough for me, personally.
This weekend was the first I’ve worked at Springcreek since questioning the higher-ups. And it took four services to realize it, but it was also something that Pastor Bob talked about in his message. Bob talked about how when he feels spiritually depleted and exhausted because he’s like a cordless drill whose battery has gone dry, it’s God telling him, “you’re not Me.”
And I realized that’s been my biggest fight, both spiritually and with the technical stuff at Spring Creek. I don’t want to listen to anyone but myself, because I think I know what’s best. I don’t listen well to anyone, including and especially Laureen. I don’t listen to Charles when he directs because I think I know better when to cue slides. I think I know better how the lyrics should be laid out than Scott, I think I know better in everything. I think I know what other people want. I think I know what other people need.
In short, I’m a massively proud egomaniac who is trying to do everything by himself with no help from anyone.
And it took four services, but I finally learned not to do stuff, but just to listen for Charles’ cues. During the fourth service, I didn’t touch the background changes or fire the slides or videos until Charles said to do it. It was arguably the hardest thing I’ve done in quite some time.
It also meant that I didn’t have to be responsible for the end product. If a cue was late, it wasn’t on my head. If a slide was wrong, I didn’t have to fix it. And I think that’s been the message that God’s been trying to send to me: “Kevin, just because you can do everything doesn’t mean you have to do it, or even that you should do it. Try listening.”
Was it freeing? Somewhat. The 11:30 was probably the best of the three services. But it did mean that I wasn’t fully engaged. And because we have a “keep the chatter down” policy up in the booth (that gets pretty regularly ignored unless there’s a cue coming up), I tried to be quiet and not say anything unless asked.
After Saturday’s service, we went to World Vision’s AIDS experience. That was hard. We already sponsor two children from Kenya, but it was hard seeing the need of so many. There are roughly 15 million children in Kenya alone who could be sponsored, and World Vision currently only handles 120,000.
Sunday, I went to Ft. Worth to pick Jacob up. I got a nap. It helped, but the drive back was occluded by lots and lots of rain and some scary driving moments.
Anyway, I’m trying to sort out my feelings right now.
Dude, come ON. So NOT an egomaniac. Independent to a fault, maybe. I’d argue that point (since I’m better at it than you are, anyway 🙂 ). Stubborn – don’t even see that. Perfectionist? I’ve seen your house. It is possible to look at someone else’s work and say, “that’s not right” and be right about that. It’s also possible that someone else has a lower-but-still-acceptable standard for himself. It is true that when you were in charge of something and aren’t anymore, that it’s very hard to let go of your way being the only way, let alone the best. But if you’re not in charge, you’re not in charge. Let it go. Go to some other service where Charles is not in charge. Change churches if you have to. But let the man do his thing. If someone else has taken up your burden, let it go. Especially if he’s being a wanker about it. Your (root) beer is waiting. CS
And I cannot format my comments. Annoying. CS