Easter

Happy Easter everyone. I wish for you wellness and a rebirth of your soul as I search for a rebirth in mine.

I was running the video at Church this week, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think I take mistakes too hard. The sound wasn’t working at the 9:00 a.m. service because ProPresenter freaked out on us and we had to run it from a different account, and in the 11:30 service, I tuned out and put up the wrong slide. I take these things hard, and I feel like everyone above me on the worship team (Charles, Scott, etc.) looks at mistakes I make more critically than mistakes other people make. And I guess I need to remember that success prinicple of “Really, when it comes down to it, no one else is thinking about you.” That’s one sure way to drive myself paranoid.

Anyway, off for some family down time before this week.

Tenebrae

Laureen and I did something unusual tonight: we went to a church service just to go to it. We didn’t go for the music, the minister, or because we were serving in some capacity. We just went. And it was different.

Every year, Laureen’s old Lutheran school’s church does a pantheon of services during the Holy Week, and the Friday service represents darkness, which is what Tenebrae means. The service starts out in full light, and seven candles are lit at the front. At different points during the service, each candle is snuffed out, and the lights dim a bit more. The cross is already covered with black fabric, and the entire effect is a reminder that Jesus’ spirit, represented by that last light, left his body when he died. It’s a beautiful and haunting service, but it did point out some of the vast differences in Springcreek and “normal” churches.

I don’t know if it’s fair to call Zion Lutheran a normal church, since Lutherans are remarkably close to their Catholic brethren in rites and rituals during the service. This church is fond of music: tonight’s service featured a handbell introit, 5 hymns (with ALL verses sung, none of this skipping the odd verse for the faithful), three choral pieces accompanied by organ, flute, and violin… it was moving, but also really, really long.

I suppose I’m somewhat critical of religious styles due to a relatively short patience span: if I get the concept, you don’t have to hit me over the head with it again. But not all people are like me. I’ve found this out the hard way.

One sad note, one depressing issue

As some of you know, I’m involved in an online game called Kingdom of Loathing, a role-playing game for people who don’t like role-playing games. As is typical of the genre, there are ways to connect with other people and hang out with them online, typically in a chat room that KoL provides. The common designation for these groups are clans, and my clan, Garden of Earthly Delights, is made up of a mix of some incredible people: several older players with kids, teenagers, Canadians, etc. It’s a place to let go of some stress, especially since you can ask questions and get all sorts of answers.

One of our members goes by the handle “Aces48” or Acey. Her real name is Merrily Milson, and she’s been in the news in Sacramento, although not in a way that is particularly happy.

I’m thankful that I’ve always been at least one level removed from this sort of thing. My mom was Opal Jennings’ kindergarten teacher when she was abducted and murdered by the brother of a complete jackass (who now goes by the name of “Easy Jesus Coe” and fronts a band called Pimpadelic). But it’s still sad. We as a society have always tried to protect our children, but when people seem intent on destroying them, it’s not just the child that’s lost. It’s our innocence and hope that gets lost as well.

Rest in peace, Acey’s son. I’ve gotta go hug my kids now.

What’s Goin’ On

Welcome to Spring Break, or “trying to re-establish everything”.

I’ve been very depressed lately, and it basically hones in on my body. I’m tired all of the time, I don’t feel like doing anything, etc. I’ve got a Dr. appt. on Friday to recheck the medicine level, so I’ll get some relief there, albeit from a pill.

We’re trying to tighten our belts and make some rather difficult decisions about what’s important: Is Video On Demand for the kids worth $50 per month? What about Little Gym? What about this? What about that?

We’re still pretty deeply in debt, and February was (to use an overused metaphor) the perfect storm for us in terms of bills. I fell behind on payments, and now, we’re scrambling to pay what we can to everyone we owe. Thus, the belt tightening. At least we have money to get through the end of the month, and we’ve seen how our cashflow varies throughout the month now, so we have a better idea of what’s going on. However, that doesn’t replace a solid budget/spending plan, so we’re still trying to work on that.

Being in debt stinks.

A Jessie Perspective

Today was oddly warm. Warm enough such that we put swim diapers on the kids and let them play with sprinklers in the back yard. Jessie has a strange habit of taking her thumb and pushing the back end of her diaper down, often exposing the better part of one cheek to the world.

Well, she did it on both sides, so the really low riding swim diaper showed whatever that technical term is for a moon in 3/4 fullness….

First Wednesday

Charles got to both direct and run the computer at the First Wednesday service last night. He did an admirable job for the amount of slides he had (started off with 86), but his main comment coming out was that “the computer person needs a director to follow the script and alert to cues, because it’s too much for one person to handle”.

I guess I don’t necessarily agree with that. I’ve felt like I’ve been able to handle the script and the technical side of things when running the computer, but last night’s service didn’t have a lot of prep time. And maybe I just handle multi-tasking better. I don’t know. I won’t necessarily question Charles’ opinion on this, but I think mine’s different, and that’s OK.

Some thoughts on this weekend

It was pretty rough for me, personally.

This weekend was the first I’ve worked at Springcreek since questioning the higher-ups. And it took four services to realize it, but it was also something that Pastor Bob talked about in his message. Bob talked about how when he feels spiritually depleted and exhausted because he’s like a cordless drill whose battery has gone dry, it’s God telling him, “you’re not Me.”

And I realized that’s been my biggest fight, both spiritually and with the technical stuff at Spring Creek. I don’t want to listen to anyone but myself, because I think I know what’s best. I don’t listen well to anyone, including and especially Laureen. I don’t listen to Charles when he directs because I think I know better when to cue slides. I think I know better how the lyrics should be laid out than Scott, I think I know better in everything. I think I know what other people want. I think I know what other people need.

In short, I’m a massively proud egomaniac who is trying to do everything by himself with no help from anyone.

And it took four services, but I finally learned not to do stuff, but just to listen for Charles’ cues. During the fourth service, I didn’t touch the background changes or fire the slides or videos until Charles said to do it. It was arguably the hardest thing I’ve done in quite some time.

It also meant that I didn’t have to be responsible for the end product. If a cue was late, it wasn’t on my head. If a slide was wrong, I didn’t have to fix it. And I think that’s been the message that God’s been trying to send to me: “Kevin, just because you can do everything doesn’t mean you have to do it, or even that you should do it. Try listening.”

Was it freeing? Somewhat. The 11:30 was probably the best of the three services. But it did mean that I wasn’t fully engaged. And because we have a “keep the chatter down” policy up in the booth (that gets pretty regularly ignored unless there’s a cue coming up), I tried to be quiet and not say anything unless asked.

After Saturday’s service, we went to World Vision’s AIDS experience. That was hard. We already sponsor two children from Kenya, but it was hard seeing the need of so many. There are roughly 15 million children in Kenya alone who could be sponsored, and World Vision currently only handles 120,000.

Sunday, I went to Ft. Worth to pick Jacob up. I got a nap. It helped, but the drive back was occluded by lots and lots of rain and some scary driving moments.

Anyway, I’m trying to sort out my feelings right now.

When good intentions bite back

We’ve switched to Green Mountain Energy, a company that uses renewable resources for their energy at surprisingly competitive rates. This gives me (well, maybe Laureen and not necessarily me) a semi-warm fuzzy about not harming the environment.

After one disconnect and reconnect, I tried to set up auto payment. First off, in order to access the online portion, you need a password, which is apparently created by monkeys flinging dung at keyboards. You also have to call in to get the password as there’s no way to set up your account online. So, an attempt to use something for 24-hour service requires a call to a call center that’s open for 12 of those hours….

After going through the rigamarole of changing the monkey-dung to a more memorable version of monkey-dung, I try to set up automatic payment through my bank account. Not a big deal, right?

I’m taken to a page where there’s a form. What’s at the top of the form?

“Save a stamp and check!”

And in the text on the form:

NOTE: YOU MUST INCLUDE A VOIDED CHECK ALONG WITH THIS ENROLLMENT FORM.

So I have to print the form out, mail it in with a stamp and a voided check?

Something not so depressing

We got our flexible spending reimbursement straightened out, so with some of that money (the rest goes to debt and getting me a new pair of glasses, something I haven’t had since five years ago), we got a new washing machine.

Our old one was and is a great machine when it’s on a concrete floor. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case with a second-floor laundry. It wobbled and shook, and no amount of adjusting and releveling would keep it from shaking the walls down. So, sadly, it had to go.

The new one is a Samsung VRT, which has an automatic releveling system that uses bearings or somesuch to automatically relevel itself when it gets out of joint.

I don’t understand it; I’ve just used it. It rocks.

And if you’re looking for an interesting link or two (or 270 in the last mega-update), check out Lopeyland for all your interesting, thought-provoking, and somewhat goofy links.

Springcreek and tech

Short post: talked with Scott, aired my concerns, he aired his. We understand each other, although if I’m going to be happy, I have to go in Fridays and change the lyrics to my satisfaction.

More later.