One with the Puppet
Well, ANS didn’t make me an offer.
This portion of our job search is brought to you by “Fear, Doubt, and Basic Questions about Worthiness”.
No, I don’t know why. There will be other positions. I just have to find them.
I’ve sent out about 10 resumes today.
Should I take the contract position, locking me in for 6 months? I don’t know. I just don’t know. It may not even be available anymore.
Well, my job situation just keeps getting interesting.
In my last article, I talked about stepping out on faith and getting a job by when I said I would. Since that contract offer, I’ve interviewed at two companies, and my experience with the second company has led me to do something I’ve never done before, and that’s turn down work.
Basically, Andrew Wireless wanted me to start this upcoming Monday on the contract. My interview with Advanced Neuromuscular Systems went really well on Friday, and they said they’d have a decision on me by Monday. Based on my gut feeling, I turned down the contract so I could be in a position to accept an offer from ANS. Doing that before Monday may have been crazy, but I gave my word to Andrew that I’d let them know by Friday whether I was showing up or not, and I didn’t want to lead them down any more primrose paths by stalling them. That’s not fair or right, and I’d rather be as gracious as possible under the circumstances.
Still, it’s pretty much shutting the door on any future employment at Andrew. Can I live with that? Yes. I’m not happy to have caused a headache on their end, but they’ll find another good person.
I’ll talk more about ANS once I know if that’s my future.
… is that I might actually have to ditch being pessimistic about everything.
Once I got laid off, I decided to take what is for me a change of pace and attempt to be positive about the situiation. I said, “I’ll have a job by the end of July.”
On Wednesday, I was contacted by a company I’d interviewed with and asked to name a rate for contracting. They noted I was their first choice for the position.
Having done the contracting thing once before, I didn’t want to undervalue myself. When you contract, you get no paid time off for anything. No vacation, no holidays, nothing. You also get no health insurance or other sponsored benefits. In some cases, that can be fine if you’re young, single, in shape, and svelte and handsome, but when you’re only the last one, it means making a decision how much those benefits are worth.
So I named a figure, thinking that (a) it was high but (b) dammit, I’m worth it. I’ve been doing this stuff 15 years, and I’ve got a specialized body of knowledge and skills that allow me to be flexible and do anything.
Much to my surprise, they were willing to pay that rate. So, regardless of whatever else in my job search happens, I have a job.
That all happened on July 31/Aug. 1. My wife keeps telling me about “if you think positively, the world will conspire to make your expectations happen.” Guess I got to believe her, huh?
In addition to this position, the only serious competition is an interview later this week with Nokia. Of course, that job would be 25 miles away as opposed to biking distance, but the lure of benefits might just make it worth it. Either way, I’ll know Thursday of this upcoming week.
Thanks for all of your support/prayers/best thoughts, etc. I have always been a stubborn, fiercely independent soul, so much as to the point of not wanting to allow others to help me, but in this case, whatever goodwill everyone has sent has in some way helped me get this position, and for that, I’m grateful and thankful.
Well, Springcreek opened their new auditorium today, it being the culmination of about 8 months of effort. Keith Stewart came back from Africa to start a series titled “How’s That Working For You?” that focuses primarily on our image of God and how it gets distorted. The message was good, but I’m not here to talk about the message.
First off, these are just my opinions. I don’t necessarily think they’re the only valid viewpoint, but I’ve done multisensory worship for quite some time, and so I think I have a decent idea of what a service should entail. For me, every single element of the service should tie together. The music should fit the scriptures and themes used in the message. Any graphics should be cogent and meaningful. Otherwise, you’re putting on a fancy show that can get in the way of God. You wind up worshipping the idol of rotating lights and a good sound system more than you worship God. That’s my biggest struggle with the new building.
I personally feel like there’s a lot of time and talent invested in building backgrounds and setting color changes for songs. However, the lyrics themselves aren’t laid out consistently. They’ve added a fancy rotating light with five different gobo settings in the middle. While this is interesting, when it changes from image A to image B in the middle of a song, you have a period where the entire light is rotating, and it’s a severe detraction. Come to think of it, using that light in every case seemed to distract people from the lyrics, and it really didn’t match any of the elements on the backgrounds of the lyrics. It felt like it was trying to be shoehorned in, and that kinda drives me crazy. And if the pattern has nothing to do with the song, then what good is it? An attractor for short-attention-span minds? As much as Scott and the team may want to make it, it’s not a night club. It still is a church, and there’s my mantra again — if it doesn’t support the message, what is it doing?
Again, this is just my opinion that I’ve developed in studying what makes a service meaningful. Why not sing “Lord You are good and Your mercy endures forever” when Keith calls that out during his message? Part of it is a planning and logistics issue. You have to know the verses and high points to get the music out to people, and if the minister’s not ready, then it won’t happen. But if you can plan for it, why not at least try?
I think this is one of those reasons why I’m not in the booth. I don’t buy into the current vision of what they’re doing. I’m okay with that. I just don’t want to be driven away from the music portion of the service because of it.
EDITED to add the following note: My wife, who is much, much smarter than I am on certain things, noted that while some people may be very, very hesitant to sing in church, regardless of whether they know the songs or not, they’ve probably been to a concert. Okay, I’ll give them that, but still….
Well, after the layoffs (which, by the way, got 25% of the company, so I wasn’t the only lucky one), it’s been a pretty busy week.
Whenever you do the job switch mambo, it’s always not fun. There’s no way around it being not fun, because being without a job is pretty much not fun, especially if the family depends on the income. Fortunately, there’s severance, but that can only last so long.
By my estimations, we’ll be able to survive until October. That’s four months. It’s my expectation to get a job by the end of this month, or by the end of August at the latest. If nothing comes up, then we start getting creative with disbursements from retirement and the like. But that’s a situation that will not come up.
Where am I applying? Everywhere. Federal jobs, state jobs, city jobs, private jobs, profit jobs, nonprofit jobs… anything that has to do with testing or even computers, I’m there.
Anyway, I’ve gotta get back on the stick. The most important thing to remember when you’re not at a regular job is that finding a job IS your job. And it takes time, practice, and developing contacts.
I got laid off from Credant today after a third quarter of the company not meeting their goals. I wasn’t the only one, and it wasn’t particularly pretty. However, I’m actually not that distraught about this. I’ve got some severance, I have skills, and I can find a job.
Anyway, not sure what this is going to mean about the other credit issues that we’re facing. It throws a wrench into a lot of plans, but it’s not the end of the world.
We met with the Consumer Credit People today. The good news is that there’s hope. There’s a way out. The not-necessarily-bad-but-not-fun news is that there’s going to have to be some severe cutting of stuff in order for us to get this to work. We’re already stretched, but there are some things that will just have to be dropped.
I’m not going to go into details. We’ll be okay. We’ll still have our health, house, and vehicles. But there are some things we take for granted that we won’t be able to afford anymore. That’s just the way it is.
The hardest thing for me is not looking back on all the choices I’ve made and money I’ve spent for foolish, crazy things and repeatedly ask myself why I didn’t show some restraint. I’ve got to get away from that mentality, because it’s only going to reinforce the negative feelings. I’ve got to try to stay positive, believe that Laureen and I (with God’s grace and help) can do this, and move forward.
And to the fine carhops at Sonic who keep assuming my change is a tip: go read your customer service manual. Please.
Jacob is 4. Jessie is 2. Both of these ages are “chaotic”, meaning that the kids are somewhat nuts most of the time. The plan this week was for us to work on the house (finances, garage, etc.) while the kids were in summer camp.
That hasn’t happened.
The summer camp program we were planning on sending the kids to had an issue with the building’s air conditioning plant. It’s one of the older “make ice at night and blow air over it during the day” types, and it’s been a constant source of irritation even back before I was chairman at that church. It suffered irreparable damage in the week before the camp, so we didn’t get to send the kids. This isn’t a bad thing, but it means that we can’t get anything of substance done. When I’m not chasing the kids, I’m helping Laureen clean up the house for another Mary Kay thing. While those are more frequent these days, they also mean more time as the solo parent, and when both of them are at each other, I quickly lose patience. I want to be a better dad, but the constant little subterfuges, both intentional and not, quickly push me to a mental breaking point. And I wish I had more in reserve, because Laureen’s also as frustrated and tired as I am. Plus, she’s trying to get her business on track, which means time, which means finding babysitters if I’m not around, which means money, which means more time to do the business, which means….
Where’s the balance supposed to be? It’s all just a bit too much right now, and while I’m trying to be mentally stable about everything, it’s not easy.
Well, we’ve found a way to take care of the A/C and reshuffle our debts a bit, so we’re OK for now. However, the bigger long-term issues still apply.
The things I need to focus on are:
1. Tracking spending. I don’t do this reliably.
2. Setting a budget AND STICKING TO IT.
3. Reducing the amount of stuff that occupies my mind and my house.
Jessie’s way too cute for her own good. She’s talking a lot these days, trying hard to make herself understood. She’s just at that threshold where she can say some things very clearly, but she has her own words for other things, and we’re spending a lot of time trying to interpret what she says.
Jacob is coming home from Haslet today. He should be full of vim and vigor. He’s apparently been “fantastic”, but he’s definitely not “full of bull”… the stuff that kid learns.
Here’s a news flash: depression is not fun to go through. There is a real feeling of utter hopelessness that just permeates everything I’m trying to do.
Get the finances on track? We’re in massive debt, and while money is headed our way, things are going to be really tight until the 15th, and probably tight for a long time afterwards.
The biggest feeling is all of the bad decisions I had a part in, all of the pointless wastes of money, all the conveniences… and now I’m paying for it. And I can’t start to focus on a solution, because everything keeps reminding me of the problem.
Laureen and I have to work together to solve this, because the situation isn’t getting better. I ultimately feel like we’re rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic in terms of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.
I just want to get some balances paid off and rip up the cards. I’d love to get the house refinanced, but I don’t think that’s going to happen in this economy.
One option is to sell stuff that we don’t use. My congas and bongos… they’re just taking space in the garage. I really don’t want to part with my Cyberball machine, but if I have to, I have to. We have a bunch of stuff in boxes that is just sitting in our garage, disorganized and not in any coherent order. And it’s driving me slowly crazy.
I just can’t bring myself to the gym to exercise. We have a new gym, one that costs less than the other, but I haven’t gone yet. I’m somewhat afraid to go, and I don’t know why. The real sad part about this is that I don’t know if I can afford to see our counselor next week to talk about this stuff. I have a hard enough time talking to Laureen about everything that’s weighing me down, because (a) I don’t want to drag her down with me, and (b) she’s trying to do her part with Mary Kay. I don’t want her to give that up, but it does take away from her role as household manager.
Meanwhile, the mental stresses just pile up. Gas prices are going higher. The price of EVERYTHING’S going to go up as a result. Work’s about the only thing that’s going right, but there’s so much static in my head from all the other stuff that I’m having a hard time concentrating about this.
I don’t want a quick fix. I don’t want a savior to come in and fix things, thereby tolerating my bad decisions and not fixing the deeper issues. I have to get through this, taking my lumps, and trying to learn something from it. No one else can do that for me.
Am I being too hard on myself? Yes. Probably.